The Faux FWB

There’s nothing more that annoys me than someone who pretends to be something they aren’t. Unfortunately, one of the most notorious stereotypes is the Faux Friends with Benefits. This suspect character is the type that goes along with the plan, but has a strategy of hoping to win the other person over. They’re sneaky, snarky, condescending, and keep a wall around their heart hoping you’ll think that person is made of ice. Unfortunately, what lies underneath is a clingy sponge, ready to please, and possibly go Kathy Bates “Misery” crazy on you. If someone specifically talks a lot of game about not feeling anything and has a Black Book of Booty Calls waiting at their every whim, I’m calling major shenanigans.

A FFWB reminds me a lot of a guilty suspect of a crime. Many times, a criminal feels the need to go into elaborate details, acting indifferent, and hopes that by over explaining their life story, you will write them off. A FFWB will be too cool for school. They’ll have sooooo many FWBs lined up ready to take your spot, but they just happen to always be willing to travel to where you are, even if it’s a secluded bar across town, in the middle of the night.

What a web we weave when we try to deceive.

I like to think that the more detail someone tells in their story, the more likely they’re trying too hard about something. (ahem..note to cheaters) Whether it’s trying too hard to conceal truth to themselves/their audience, or trying too hard to impress, they aren’t being themselves. They are trying too hard to please the other person, and if you are the second half of the FWB plan, they will most likely try to trap you into a relationship. At first you might think this suspect is the “ultimate” anything. They’ll be cool, calm, and collected. They’ll pretend to be okay with knowing about your hookups, but suspiciously keep their TMI details at bay. The FFWB will most likely brag about their conquests, their proud moments of breaking someone’s heart, and expect you to high five them. Whether male or female, know this is a warning sign for damaged goods. They’ve got some deep rooted issues, and you need to run before you get caught in this like a Black Widow’s Web.

It all starts off fun and games….until someone gets hurt. If you’re the type that will not be affected by a breaking of ties, then expect the other half to. In an article on CNN, the author states that even men are objective to being hurt. So move the stereotypes aside. Be honest with yourself and your potential partner. The minute you start to see clingy, and you’re not comfortable with it, call it out. The FFWB is a delicate creature. One wrong move and you could lose a friend, a booty call, or someone you might actually care about.

..or they could go Kathy Bate’s “Misery” crazy. That shit cray.


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