This past Wednesday the 5th of October many Americans (myself included) tuned in to watch the highly informative jerk off fest we like to call the Presidential Debates. If you’re like me you watch this charade with a knot in your chest, acid in your stomach and pure disgust on your face. But every four years the same thing happens. We watch two clowns, one Democrat and one Republican pretend to have different ideas and smugly talk down to us and each other. Then we go out and vote for dickhead A or dickhead B. But I say enough. Enough of the status quo. If we keep voting for the same two parties nothing will ever change in this country, so I wanted to take this opportunity to introduce you fine people to some of our other options. Here is a list of my favorite third party candidates based solely on their names and pictures.
First off we have Merlin Miller and his running mate Jim Jones (well his name is actually Harry Bertram but if you make no effort to not look like Jim Jones then I call you Jim Jones). They are running for the American Third Position Party. The American Third Position is of course reverse cowgirl. It is a tried and true position that is really only a small step behind the standard missionary and doggy style positions. The American Third Position Party is fighting to make reverse cowgirl a more highly performed sexual position and I for one support this platform.
The Prohibition Party this year has nominated Lowell Fellure and Toby Davis… I wouldn’t bother getting too attached to these candidates as they are just here in a time machine from the 1920’s and will be leaving soon after November 6th.
Then we have Jim Carlson running for the Fraggle Rock Party. It is highly speculated that he will choose his nephew Gobo Fraggle as his running mate, but as election time nears he has yet to make a decision. Jim Carlson and the Fraggle Rock Party’s main focus is foreign policy. Mr. Carlson is a renowned traveler who left Fraggle Rock as a middle aged man to explore all over the workshop and backyard of the adjoining house. Okay, I am a huge Fraggle Rock fan and if you never watched the show you have no idea what I’m talking about so joke over.
Lastly, we have Jerry Litzel who is running for the I Swear To God I Was Not On To Catch A Predator Party. He doesn’t have much of a platform, just really wants people to know he isn’t a pedophile.
There you have it ladies and gentleman a thorough guide to your third party and independent candidates for 2012. Remember, even though your vote really is meaningless go out and vote anyway or Puff Daddy will kill you. Vote or Die bitch.