Many people these days seem to be caught up in a thing called Honey Boo Boo. Until I sat down to write this I honestly had no idea what this phenomenon was. I was under the impression it was a pop star much like a Lady Gaga or a Nikki Minaj. But I began to second guess myself, because no way could a simple pop star become as famous as those two just swimming in their wake. There had to be more to this creature, there had to be something significant. Maybe it was the new astrological sign after they realigned the stars (or whatever the fuck astrology is about). Maybe it was the antidote that would finally cure cancer or AIDs (1 part honey, 2 parts bamboo). It could be anything. My imagination was running wild as I began my research. Turns out… it’s just a fat kid.
I’ve seen many fat kids in my life and I’ve hated them all, so naturally I was intrigued as to what makes this fat kid special. Actually, on second thought I shouldn’t say I’ve hated all fat kids. The fat kid from the movie Hook was awesome. But back on topic, what makes this monster special? I continued my research and after a solid 46 seconds I need a new laptop and some spackle and paint to fix the laptop sized hole in my wall.
Honey Boo Boo is just another pile of trash with their own TV show. A trend that has been out of control for a while in this country and continues to get worse. On this show with Honey is her mother who is appropriately named Jabba The Awful Human Being and her dad who I am fairly certain commits daily sexual assualts on women. I can’t prove this yet but I will search familywatchdog.us and get back to you with the results. The show follows this family of irresponsible mammals around while Honey competes in child strip contests. More elegantly paraded around as child beauty pageants.
In season 1 episode 3 which is what I watched on YouTube while writing this, Jabba has a weight loss contest with Honey and her other kids. Honey is about 6. So this alone should the “mother” arrested for child abuse. But who cares about a kid’s well being when we can sit on our ignorant asses and lose brain cells laughing at it. It’s hard to follow the story because their words are garbled by the fat around their necks and mouths crushing their vocal chords and tongues and they’re southern… so that kind of speaks for itself. But it appears during the course of the episode they go on to clip coupons, get fatter, do stuff, Honey dances, oh and get this, as if the family members weren’t disgusting enough they have a pet pig named Glitzy. Honey Boo Boo makes an actually hilarious joke about how she hopes her “mom” doesn’t eat the pig because she eats everything else. It wasn’t so much a joke as a genuine concern but it was funny. I wish I could sit Honey down and explain that her “mother” would not eat the pig because she is a pig herself and pigs don’t eat their own kind.
Trash TV has taken many forms of the years. The original of course being soap operas. Then we digressed into Jerry Springer and Judge Judy and Baywatch. I only mentioned Baywatch and not Baywatch Nights because Baywatch Nights was prettttttyyyyy good. I mean take a shit show and film it at night and it becomes gold. Other shows in this genre of trash TV include of course The Real World, which is basically the original in modern day trash programming. And much in the same way that shock rockers continued to get more shocking (Elvis, Alice Cooper, Marilyn Manson) trash TV gets trashier.
I want to start my own reality show called Real Life Dexter. In this show Dexter runs around and kills a different trash bag every week that is of course voted on by our viewers. Now you may be thinking to yourself “Dexter only kills bad people.” Exactly. And if you don’t think these people are just as bad as murders and rapists then please go on expedia.com buy yourself a ticket to San Francisco and jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. An unoriginal suicide for a brain dead moron.
Okay, I am wrapping this up I cannot think about this anymore without giving myself a stroke. I feel the sacrifices I have made today in the name of humor are on par with Gandhi’s hunger strike. The only difference is I actually did something and he just laid around on a couch for a few days. Here is a comic I made about the show. Enjoy the rest of your day.