As some what of an amateur celebrity and noble prize winning journalist I was lucky enough to be granted the very first exclusive interview with dare devil Felix Baumgartner. During this interview I learned the shocking reasoning behind his decision to skydive from outer space.
Me: Felix, thanks for meeting with me. I think I should just get to it and ask the question that is on everyone’s mind. Why did you skydive from outer space?
Felix: Um, I think it’s pretty obvious. To get laid.
Felix: Yeah, skydive from space; get blown for the rest of your life. Why else would I do something so fucking stupid?
Me: Stupid? A lot of people are thinking of you as a sort of hero.
Felix: Well that’s just dumb. Think about what I did. Like really think about it. I just fell down for 4 minutes, I didn’t actually do anything. Nothing was accomplished, we didn’t learn anything and the world isn’t a better place because of this. I really accomplished nothing other than guaranteed pussy for the rest of my life.
Me: Wow, I don’t know how to process this information.
Felix: I’m an ugly guy and I’m Austrian, so no one likes me. I haven’t had sex free of charge in years.
Me: There are lots of ugly people and Austrians out there who manage to have sex without risking their lives.
Felix: Some ugly guys and some Austrian are good at guitar and they can join a band to get girls. Some ugly guys are funny and can make girls laugh and get laid. I am untalented. I have no skills in anything so I just decided to jump off shit and see if that worked. You think Evel Knievel really wanted to jump over school busses and the Grand Canyon? No, he wanted to play guitar but he was untalented just like me. He did however manage to get a lot of blow jobs and that is what I am trying to achieve.
Me: I guess jumping off of normal stuff wasn’t working?
Felix: No. As it turns out basically anyone can go bungee jumping or skydiving for like a hundred dollars so I needed to up my game. So I jumped from space. Figured who cares if I die, I’d rather be dead than the old guy still getting hookers.
Me: You are going to be letting a lot of people down once they read this interview.
Felix: I thought about that and I figured the kind of girls I’m going for aren’t really known for their literacy you know what I mean?
There you have it ladies and gentleman an exclusive interview with esteemed moron Felix Baumgartner. That interview was obviously fake, but seriously that jump was totally pointless. The video of the jump has set a YouTube record for most views ever and will basically go down as the Citizen Kane of internet videos. And it is very similar to Citizen Kane in that they both were completely lame and not entertaining at all.
Click to view the video on YouTube