It’s that time of year again ladies and gentlemen: December. The time of year when single people get increasingly more miserable about having to spend the holidays alone. The time of year when people in loving relationships try to out do each other with the gift giving. And the time of year when guys who started dating a chick 3 weeks ago are like “Really? I have to get her a gift? I just met her. What the fuck? And her birthday is in January. That’s like $200 and I barely know her.”
December is also the time when people come to the realization that another year went by where they bailed on their resolutions and didn’t accomplish anything worth talking about. You never quit smoking, you never went to the gym, you never stopped fucking random weirdoes you met at the bar at 3am to fill the empty void in your heart. But, don’t be sad my friends, as I am here to bring you joy. I am here to make you see even though we’re all just floating around on this planet living routine mediocre meaningless lives at least we’re not as bad as a lot of other things of this earth.
I present to you 2012: A Horrible Year In Review.
When you’re down on yourself take a deep breath look in the mirror and say “at least I’m not Taylor Swift.” 2012 was the year that brought us “We Are Never Getting Back Together,” which will go down in the history books that I will eventually write as the worst song ever written. Now don’t get me wrong I am not one to hate on pop music but it is absolutely offensive to me and completely unacceptable that an adult human wrote these lyrics:
Uggg… so he calls me up and he’s like, “I still love you,”
And I’m like… “I just… I mean this is exhausting, you know, like,
We are never getting back together. Like, ever”
I would expect that kind of quality from a 13 year old’s diary that she never meant anyone to see but for an ADULT to put that out in public for the world to experience and be proud of it blows my mind. I don’t hate Justin Bieber or That’s So Raven or Hannah Montana because they are kids, and kids are supposed to be stupid, annoying, and write lyrics where they obviously don’t understand complex emotions. But Taylor Swift is 22 years old, and that is too old to be proud of this song.
The only thing worse than this song are all the adult women who are posting the lyrics to their Facebooks and Instagrams and Pinterests as if it is some classic song of endearment or this generation’s “Respect” by Aretha Franklin. Stop it! Ladies the only thing you are achieving by posting the lyrics to this song is reinforcing your exes idea that he made the correct decision in leaving you because you’re obviously an infant.
Okay, what else made 2012 an awful year… Honey Boo Boo (see previous articles) and Teen Mom got renewed for a third season. No matter how many resolutions you blow off you will never be as horrible as any character on those two shows, so smile.
The Middle East is in shambles, and much like the Coyote and Roadrunner Israel and Palestine are at it again. This is a very polarizing issue and everyone has picked a side so I decided to do the same. Choosing who I was going to side with took a lot of soul searching and a real hard look at my own morals and emotions. At the end of it all hummus, kebabs and gyros are way better than matzah ball soup so I stand with Palestine.
In all seriousness, 2012 was just like every other year before it and every year that will follow. You got to see the worst of humanity like the terrorists, the movie theatre shooters and the Wesboro Baptist Church. And, you got to see some of the best of humanity like all the people who selflessly joined together to help their neighbors and strangers after Hurricane Sandy and… other good things people did that I have no examples of. New Year’s is just a few short weeks away and I hope everyone finds what they are looking for. Unless I fail miserably at life again then I hope all your hopes and dreams come crashing down so I am not the only failure. Cheers.