Depression: A Cure

I have found the cure to depression and low self esteem and it doesn’t lie in therapy or medication or motivation. My path to discovery all started at the gym this Friday afternoon when in the locker room I came to the realization that I have seen a staggering amount of old man penis since joining this place.

These fucking guys have no shame. They just walk around like it is some kind of bathhouse. I’m sitting there afraid to change shirts and there are two old guys having a full conversation completely naked dicks 3 inches apart. I know what you’re thinking… this has nothing to do with homophobia or anything sexual. It has to do with the amount of self esteem these men must have in order to be completely fine with just being disgusting and naked and not giving a shit.

Driving home I texted a friend. She was actually the one who drew my attention to this being a matter of self esteem. So I thought about it more and wondered why do these old guys have such high self esteem, when my generation seems to be plagued with crippling self doubt and low self esteem. Then the answer dawned on me, along with the flawless irrefutable evidence that comes with all of my correct opinions. Now that I have you on the edge of your seat here is the answer…

These old people grew up in a time when they were told they would never amount to anything. Their lives were come home from school, you’re not going to college, you’re going to work on the farm or as a cashier at the family store. They never expected anything more. So when one guy was like “fuck this I’m going to be a doctor” and he went off and become a doctor it was cool and if he failed oh well no one cared. Plus no one failed because there were like 6 doctors back then. But the point is there was never any pressure to achieve.

These days with this new age parenting bullshit all children hear from the time they are born is “you can be anything” and “you can be president or a lawyer.” So when 99% of the population grows up into a life of mediocrity they are aware of it. When they fail or never try they have to remember “I could have been anything and I’m a fucking cashier” or “I’m just a garbage man. What happened to my dreams?” The Truth is, dreams are bullshit. Most people shouldn’t have them because most people aren’t good enough to achieve them. I’m not being a dick just an absolute realist. Sure I would love to be a doctor or a lawyer but I don’t have what it takes. So now I tell jokes to strangers and stare at a wall for 8 hours a day at my nothing job. In 1950 that would be a perfectly acceptable life.

Off topic but still a valid point, fuck anyone who trashes garbage men. Everyone likes to make jokes and use it as an example of the lowest form of life but think about what they actually do. Stop and imagine the world without this noble profession. Without garbage men the apocalypse would occur. Trash, disease, plague and death would run rampant. Garbage men have one of the few jobs where they can say they literally save the world everyday. Dental hygienists can’t say that. What the fuck do they do? Tell you to rinse and spit? Oh wow, like I couldn’t figure that complex process out myself. It’s a useless profession nothing they do can’t be accomplished by a regular dentist. If tomorrow all dental hygienists disappeared the world wouldn’t change at all. But if a hygienist and a garbage walk into a bar all the women are still going to fuck the hygienist instead of the hero garbage man.

Sorry. Back on track. The more motivation we have the more depressed our culture will become. You think any 12 year olds in 1950 killed themselves? No. But now it happens all the time. Because the pressure of being told “you can be great” everyday from birth just sinks into their brain. More proof is even people in my generation who have no pressure are more confident outgoing people.

White trash, they come from nothing are told they will never achieve anything and they’re always the loudest most confident fuckers in the room. They’ll open up and tell you everything about their lives all without wearing a shirt and cut off jean shorts. Black trash. Have you ever seen a trashy black dude hesitate for even a second to hit on every girl that walks by? No. All because they have no pressure. They are living the dream. A carefree fuck it lifestyle.

Meanwhile I’m sitting here drinking Jameson listening to Van Morrison thinking about what could have been. Waiting to meet up with my equally angry and miserable friends all because our parents fucked us up by telling us we could be something. Now we work 9-5 office jobs and get drunk just to feel excitement.

Future parents and parents of young kids I urge you to lower the bar. The kids will be better off in the long run. Oh and remember, thank a garbage man.

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