Ryan’s Reviews of Recent News

I’ve been having a bit of a writing dry spell lately as my mind has been clogged with hating my job and well…that’s about it. So I thought I would just give my opinion on a few stories that have come up recently to catch you all up on how you should be thinking. I’m sorry I left you in the dark my flock, but I return to give you your opinions so worry no more.

Manti T’eo. How are people surprised by this? When you take a look at who he is you would completely get it. Of course he fell for a fake girlfriend! He’s a Mormon, and Mormons are stupid and delusional. He has no interest in sex before marriage (ha) so finding internet companionship is ideal for him. I know I insulted an entire group of people and don’t get me wrong, I’m not just singling them out. All religions practice delusion and superstition, but the Mormons are the second worst. They think the Garden of Eden was in Missouri. Now I’ve never been to Missouri but I’ve never heard it described as “nice” let alone “eden.” Just to end your wondering Scientologists are the most delusional.

The other biggest who gives a shit story of the past few weeks was Lance Armstrong admitting to doing the same thing every other cyclist has been doing since the inception of the sport. The seven Tour de France titles that he had stripped from him weren’t given to anyone else because something like the top twenty positions were all doping. So as far as I’m concerned he wasn’t cheating he leveled the playing field and was still better than everyone else. I’ve hated Lance Armstrong since I can remember because of those stupid fucking bracelets but I can’t hate him for this. And stop with this phony outrage people, stop acting like anyone cares about bike racing. Some pundits are saying it’s not about the racing but that he was mean to people who tried to expose him for cheating. Oh wow really? Someone is coming after him to destroy his empire and he reacts negatively towards them? Who would have thought? Leave Lance alone, he has a stupid name and will fade into oblivion just like everyone else if people would just stop talking about him.

Subway sandwiches are eleven inches instead of twelve!! I applaud Subway for this measure. They noticed that for some reason their lettuce sandwiches made with horrible fake meat and disgustingly bad vegetables on shitty bread were way too popular and they tried to help us. Subway was like “these dumb fuckers keep eating this pure garbage, we need to wean them off. Quick make the sandwiches an inch shorter.” Use this information people. Obviously Subway doesn’t want us eating their shit. Go to Blimpie or Quiznos or better yet a real local sub shop.

I hardly ever talk about things that make me happy, but yesterday I came across an article out of Ireland.  The Kerry County Council has made drinking and driving in rural areas legal. Good for them. According to the article some of the reasoning behind this measure is because citizens driving in rural areas “never killed anyone.”

And also to help prevent depression.

Councilor Danny Healy-Rae is quoted as saying, “A lot of these people are living in isolated rural areas where there is no public transport of any kind. They end up home looking at the four walls night in and night out because they don’t want to risk losing their license.” 

Danny Healy-Rae

Danny Healy-Rae

Thank you Danny Healy-Rae for bringing this problem to the light. Not drinking causes depression because life is fucking boring. These poor rural citizens have not one other option of activities to do on the weekends because they can’t drive to the pubs. I get it, believe me I do. Want to go to the movies? Is there a bar there? No. Then no. We need more leadership around the world like Mr. Healy-Rae who truly appreciates the dangers of not drinking. And that’s not complete bullshit either. Read this story about a study conducted that showed non-drinkers have a higher risk of dying than drinkers here.

So this weekend I hold my glass of Jameson in the air to Mr. Healy-Rae and then I walk to the bar because I don’t live in a rural area.

Well that about wraps it up ladies and gentleman. I hope I wasn’t too late to give you your opinions for the water cooler discussions.

Enjoy your day.

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