The Elusive Female Orgasm

Now that I have some lady friends, it occurs to me that the issue of the female orgasm is much more dire than we stress. I am probably the only woman I know who has never faked an orgasm in my life, and I can’t be the only one who has a problem with this. In fact, by definition it seems that literally every other woman is having a problem, as are the men attached to them sexually. So what’s the deal? Why is it so hard for us to feel the same release our male counterparts do at the end of each sexual encounter? I have theories. I know, surprising.

Photo credit to

Photo credit to

1. Porn.

I’m definitely not one of those chicks who is opposed to pornography. I’ve been alone for a very long time, and I know the value of watching someone else enjoy the action you’re not getting. Here’s my problem with porn: it’s unrealistic. I know I’m not the first person to say this, but I feel like it’s going in one hole and out the other (I meant ears!!). It’s a rare experience when a man is gifted enough with only his penis to bring about this heavenly state of being we call an orgasm. I’m tempted to ask why so many porn videos ignore this fact and show women screaming their brains out, but when I think about it, I can’t remember the last time I watched a porn that actually featured a female orgasm, which is fucking sad. When did it become acceptable for men to be the only ones who reach sexual climax without the assistance of their own hands or expensive toys? I don’t care who declared that this is okay, because I’m declaring it’s not, and I challenge one single woman on the face of this Earth to disagree with me convincingly. If the population of porn consumers weren’t overwhelmingly men, I would absolutely suggest a boycott (or girlcott, if you will) of this industry until they start producing videos where both partners get to come, even if they’re not both women or both men.

2. Lack of education

Honestly, I don’t think it’s fair to 100% blame men for not getting us off. We’re complicated creatures, and it’s no three-stroke finish for us….ever. I’ve heard us compared to certain types of engines, and let’s think about it this way–how many people have ever been able to successfully make an engine purr without some sort of training? No one works on an engine for the first time and suddenly fixes all the mechanical issues and starts up the ignition immediately. That said, one group of people who are exceptionally skilled at revving us up are women. We know what we want and exactly how to get there. The gap in information comes from the fact that we’re too afraid to communicate with men about what we need sexually. I’m not sure why, but it most likely stems from age-old stereotypes regarding our role in sex and who sex is really for. I know what the history books say, but here’s the deal: We’re having sex for the same reason as men. Because it feels good. It’s not to please them, but to please ourselves. If it’s not, take some time off from it and figure out why you think the act of sex is so much more valuable for men. That said, it only makes sense that if they’re not passing the test (a.k.a. making us come), we need to review the chapters with them and figure out what concept they’re not getting. I can get myself off in a matter of minutes. It makes no sense that after half an hour of sex I should still be frustrated.

3. The fake orgasm

Meg Ryan gets it. Or does she?

Meg Ryan gets it. Or does she?

Ladies, you’re perpetuating this issue every single time you pretend your partner has put you in that place.  I’m cynical and not very happy relationship-wise right now, but I don’t really think men are stupid. They just don’t have vaginas, and they have no idea what makes them tick. The same sort of priming and optimal conditioning doesn’t go into a male orgasm. Every woman knows she has to get to a certain place then stay there for a secret amount of time before she gets to squirm around and stop caring about everything else on Earth. Men know we want that, and they know we take longer, but they don’t know why. They don’t know that “Don’t stop” means, “Seriously, if you do ANYTHING differently I’m going to lose my orgasm and we have to start all over.” Why should that know that when so many of you throw in the towel and put on performances for them so they’ll run to the bathroom and you can finish yourself off? I do not approve. Men don’t know if you’re faking; they only know if you aren’t coming like they expect you to. If they don’t get you off, they need to know, and they need to rectify it. It’s not hard. Seriously..if it’s not hard we only need a few digits and some dedication. Any idea how much concentration goes into a blowjob? No excuses.

I can imagine there are countless other reasons that our partners aren’t getting us there, but the biggest problem is that we’re telling each other instead of them. We’re grown-ass people. At least we should be if we’re having sex. It’s time for us to learn, on both sides, to take and give instruction and guidance with dignity and acceptance. No one’s perfect, but no one gets any closer from refusing to try. You know how you like it, otherwise you would have never had an orgasm. Spread information, not infection.

One thought on “The Elusive Female Orgasm

  1. Pingback: The Elusive Female Orgasm | Musique New York

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