Liquid Lapdance Pants…

Finally! We can officially put the contest for world’s best invention to bed. Sliced bread will no longer be the standard that inventors must live up to. We have now made it easier to ejaculate in your pants at strip clubs. No longer will mesh shorts and no underwear be the every man’s uniform for lap dances. Introducing Liquid Lapdance Pants!

According to an article on the Huffington Post, Liquid Lapdance is a product worn underneath the pants and is made out latex. The article states they provide ample space for your erection, and can be lubed up to provide maximum pleasure. When lubed they are described as feeling like “two lubed up ass cheeks.” And get this, you don’t have to worry about shooting your semen all over the dancer and having a wet spot showing in your pants (talk about embarrassing am I right?) because Liquid Lapdance contains the ejaculate right there in your own lap. Talk about comfort.

What are we doing? I feel terrible for the poor strippers. Don’t get me wrong I am not sitting on my high horse here, I love a good grind from a chick that smells like gin and has coke dust on her nostril just as much as the next guy, but never have I thought “I wish they would invent something to make me cum in my pants while she’s here pissing off her father.”

I can only imagine the guy who invented these. I’m picturing an introvert maniac who spends his weekends watching his VHS recording of the 1996 Miss America Pageant, with a Ted Kaczynski hair do and a cupboard full of Fruit Roll Ups and Kool-Aid. He hasn’t felt human contact in 13 years besides the strippers and his fat gut making it harder and harder for him to feel the dancers ass while she grinds him eventually put him in quite the conundrum. Desperate to not want to lose weight or change his status in life he had to get creative. Let’s name his man Geoffrey (spelled liked that because that’s the asshole spelling.) So Geoffrey had to get creative and began experimenting with different objects. He first tried filling a condom with lotion and rubbing his cock against the couch to see how that felt and while it felt good enough Geoffrey thought it was too messy and after a while it began to sting. Back to the drawing board ole Geoff went. He went through about 13 failed designs before he finally lubed up two balloons taped them together and had a mind blowing orgasm. He eventually went on to figure out how to get the latex to fit in his pants without being noticeable and the rest was history.

So now men we can all live like Geoffrey, just walking around with artificial asses in the front of our pants covered in our own seed. Living the dream. Living the way we were meant to live. Geoffrey is currently working on a version for women, wait no he isn’t because they would never buy something this fucking stupid! Men jumped on this so fast that the Liquid Lapdance pants website has MULTIPLE testimonials already. You can read some here: and can also find out where you can get your own pair of this wonderful advancement in science.


Cancer, AIDs, Clean Drinking Water, Food, Housing, Healthcare, Malaria, Bees disappearing, Illiteracy, Gay rights, Poverty, all still problems we have. But every cloud has its silver lining and cumming in your pants at strip clubs is now solved. Society we win.

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