Boys Don’t Like Girls Who Like Football

THEY DON’T! You know how I know? Whenever I meet a Giants fan and I laugh in his face because two years ago they won the Super Bowl, last year they couldn’t make it to the playoffs, and this year they couldn’t win a game, he doesn’t want to fuck me anymore!

Andy Dalton Bengals

I wish that guys did like football-loving girls. I wish it were a turn-on for me to scream at my quarterback when he forgets which team he’s supposed to throw to. From my experience, it ends up being intimidating. I can talk circles around half the guys wearing a jersey on Sundays, but that doesn’t end in sex. It’s a five-phase process that ends in disappointment. Every time.

Phase 1. They start talking sports, so I steer the conversation toward football.

I don’t care about other sports, and I like to have the upper-hand. They ask what team I root for and when I proudly announce “Cincinnati Bengals,” they try to insult me. They don’t know what they’re talking about, so I correct them. They start paying attention.

Phase 2. I tell them why their team is shitty.

Every team has a weakness. I like to keep one in my pocket for these moments.

Phase 3. A few seconds of shock.

Most guys don’t know what to do when they realize a girl has actual knowledge of football. They want to fall in love, but their pride comes first.

Phase 4. They fight back.

They get frustrated, they get angry, they get turned off. They spot a tinier girl across the room that doesn’t seem to have any stats in her head (or anything at all).

Phase 5. They move on.

I’m left satisfied, but alone again.

My Advice: Ladies, don’t learn about football to meet guys. Find out what team they like, buy a crop-top version of that team’s jersey, wear it, and ask occasional questions like “What does the receiver do?”

Either that, or learn to love football for yourself. It’s exhilarating. Being a true fan is being in a committed relationship, but without the hassle of having a guy around all the time.

Now, excuse me. My team lost the play-offs again, so it’s time to commence my 8-month depression until next season.

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