The Resolutions Series: My New Year’s Resolution

The writer’s of NY Social Status thought long and hard about their New Year’s Resolutions. As those dream big with aspirations of love and money, we decided to document the first days/month post our New Year’s bliss. Read Comedy/Pop Culture Writer Ryan Houssein’s recap of how he survived the first few days post his resolution plan.

 

 

 

New Year’s resolutions, we all make them although none of us finish them. I decided to make a one month resolution to lower the bar and keep it easy. Not going after hard goals is how I live my life. I, along with my buddy Kevin decided to not drink alcohol for the month of January. Now those of you who know me know that alcohol is my hobby, it is the only fun thing to do on the weekend, so this will be tough. I just want to share with you the first few days of sober January.

January 1st – I’m hung over as shit. I slept until 3pm. It won’t be hard to not drink today, the last thing I want near me is alcohol. I order Domino’s and lay on my couch.

January 2nd – 5:30am my alarm goes off and like every morning I awake for work with the sounds of my alarm and the sounds of my own screams, “FUCK! FUCK! FUCKKKKK!” I root around in my closet for a gun or a noose, but like always I can’t find one so I shower and head to work. I get home from work and like every work day I don’t feel like drinking because I’m too tired. Day 2 done.

January 3rd – No work! Snow day! I’m going to shovel out my car and go to the liquor store! SNOW DAY DRINKING WITH MY ROOMMATES! Oh wait, I can’t. Fuck. I sit on my couch refreshing Facebook and Twitter, bored. Shit, what am I going to do all day? I have a conversation with my brain:

Brain“Want to jerk off?”

Me“I’ve already done that.”

Brain“So? Do it again, it kills time.”

Me“Good point.”

6 minutes later…

Me“Now what? I’m trapped in this room all day. What the fuck do people do with their lives? What do normal people do? I suppose people who don’t hate society go to a park or the movies, fuck that. I’m not being surrounded by a group of assholes sober.”

Brain – “Why don’t you read a book?”

Me“ Fuck off, I said I wouldn’t drink for a month. Didn’t say I’d become a Rhodes Scholar.”

Brain“I find it hilarious you had to Google Rhodes Scholar because you thought it was Rogue Scholar.”

So to get out of the house I walked down to a place called Quik-Mart and bought a cheese steak. I got home put on Netflix and waited to see if I got food poisoning. That actually added excitement to my day, will I get violently ill, wont I? Everyone should eat shitty food.

January 4th – My alarm rang at 9:30 in the morning but I shut it off and said, “what’s the point?” So I went back to sleep and woke up at 1pm. I’m sitting on the couch and I’m starting to notice there is no difference between drinking me and sober me, both involve me just sitting places, only drinking is more fun. Fuck it, I might as well embrace this new healthy lifestyle. I go to the grocery store. Fuck me if grocery stores aren’t the most annoying places on the planet. I get home and make some fucking green drink, barf. I’d rather die at 46 from a shitty body than live to 90 drinking this horse shit. Oh well. I go to the gym and put in a pathetic attempt at a work out and spend most of the time staring and chicks in yoga pants. Home again. 5pm… still have a whole night of nothing to do. Guess I’ll make a salad and watch football. Yeah, salad and green tea for football is just as great as wings and whiskey. This is going to be a long month.

There you have it. The first few days of no alcohol January. Weekdays are easy, weekends… my god. Hope everyone has a fantastic month and I hope all your stupid dreams come true.

 

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