A friend of mine posted a link to an article on Facebook today titled “The 5 Guys Most Girls Will Fall In Love With At One Point In Their Lives.” I skimmed it out of curiosity and it was boring. But it gave me the idea to write a piece about the 5 girls that every guy will date.
The Psychopath – This chick seems cool at first but look out. It usually takes a while to come to the realization of how insane she truly is but one day it will hit you all at once. It may come in the form of a text or a phone call or she “accidentally” spills Pinot Noir all over your favorite shirt because she says she was cleaning and having a glass, but you know she wasn’t cleaning because there is shit everywhere. But when it hits you the panic sets in and you sleep with one eye open. You know you should leave because she is a lunatic but she lets you do weird stuff sexually so you wait it out, you become used to the situation and only decide to flea once you fear for your life. She is by far the hardest girl to break up with as she usually threatens suicide at least 6 times, but eventually you’re like, “just fucking kill yourself then” and she moves on.
The Dumb Girl – This chick seems cool at first but look out. When you first meet her she acts a little ditzy and says things like, “OMG” and you’re usually so smitten with her cute looks that you let the dumbness pass. But eventually after banging a hot chick becomes normal and you’re over it, the lack of brains becomes insanely annoying. “Blonde moment”… “I’m so ditzy”… “Who is George Washington? Is that the guy who invented peanut butter?”… “Wait, I don’t get it”… Yeah all those things go from being cute to rage inducing. The good part about the dumb girl is she is easy to leave because she won’t really know what’s going on.
The Guys Gal – This chick seems cool at first but look out. This one usually seems like the one, she is into beer, video games, football, not giving a shit about her appearance, and says things like, “I’ve always had more guy friends than girl friends. Girls don’t get me.” It is really cool for a while having a girl that you can share all your interests with, but the problem is she’s always around. She has been such a bitch to every girl she’s ever met and all of her friends have always been her boyfriend’s friends, so after every break up she loses all her friends. So she has no friends… That means she will be getting in on ALL your plans. You say, “hey I’m going to the bar with Kevin and Travis” and she says, “I’ll get my coat.” Ugh. She is hard to break up with because she is deep down a lot of fun, but eventually it’s like you’re banging your friend but your friend never leaves.
The Shy Girl – This chick seems cool at first but look out. This girl seems cool because she is quiet, you usually date her after the psychopath as break from the intensity. But eventually you realize how annoying it is having a chick that never talks to anyone. Every party you’re at she just stands at your side speaking to no one. In the middle of every conversation you have to pause and speak for her like, “Oh Gertrude is into traveling as well, she actually studied in France for a semester.” Then your friends go, “Oh wow that’s great how was it?” And she says, “Fun.” It’s like god dammit lady fucking say something would you?! She is easy to break up because she never argues, just sits there quietly.
The One – This chick seems cool at first but look out. This girl is the one because she has all the elements of the above girls but only the good parts of them. She is a bit weird sexually which rules, she is smart but isn’t pretentious about it, she truly likes football and drinking but also has her own friends so she’s not around all the time, and she knows when to be quiet and not say the wrong thing causing a mess you have to deal with. Perfect girl. But how perfect she is will become normal and annoying. This works both ways obviously, but the challenge is noticing the perfect balance of traits that she has. All girls are annoying, but she is the one that annoys you the least. That’s it, so be smart enough when she comes around to notice it. Until then fuck everything that moves.