I Need A Gimmick.

I’ve figured it all out. I figured out how to get a girl. It has nothing to do with online dating or meeting a girl through a mutual friend. I can get a girl the old fashioned way in bars, in line at the grocery store, coffee shop, I just need a gimmick. That’s all it comes down to is the gimmick. Most guys have one, they fit a formula or a group, the preppy boys, the nerds, muscle heads, hipsters, they all have their sect of women that flock to them. I have no group, I don’t fit a mold and I am not saying this in a condescending “I’m so original I can’t define myself” sort of way, I just don’t fit a group because I’ve never tried or made an effort at anything in my life let alone fitting in.

I can’t fit in the preppy boy group because I’m broke. I can’t afford the GAP, Ralph Lauren, J. Crew, whatever it is they wear. The preppy boy group is probably the one that pisses me off the most. Not the people in the group because I have  friends who are preppy and they’re awesome, what pisses me off are the girls that go for them. Most of these guys are ugly and look just like me, but you fucking broads are too distracted by the little guy playing polo on their chest to realize it, look past the price tag of the clothing and you’ll see they’re just ugly to normal looking dudes.

The nerd group will not work for me either because I hate science fiction and fantasy. Well, fantasy like elves and shit, porn fantasy rules. Now there is this weird stereotype going around that nerds don’t get laid and it is total bullshit. Nerds may not get to have sex with attractive women but they have nerd chicks, and the nerd group is strong. These guys are fucking chicks with pointed ears and star wars shirts left and right. Comic Con is one big fuck fest. Is it Comic Con or Comi Con? I’m too lazy to Google.

Muscle head group is also out for me because I’m lazy and I don’t want to wear Ed Hardy shirts. I could never spend as much time at the gym as these assholes. My gym time consists of 15-30 minutes depending on how hung over I am, then I go to Taco Bell because, “hey I deserve it I just worked out.” Muscle guys get laid a lot because like every other group these guys have their sect of women. She is usually in the bimbo category and annoying as shit and thinks she has expensive taste but she is just really a tacky bitch. I’m not bitter, I was never left for a dude with huge muscles or anything.

I can’t be a hipster because there are way too many rules to follow. I can’t keep track of what’s cool, what’s ironically cool, and what’s not cool, which makes it cool because it’s not cool. I also have too broad of a taste in music, I like all genres which is unacceptable in hipster culture. If every member of the band doesn’t have a beard and a flannel shirt it is not okay to listen to. Unless it is Prince because he’s cool for all groups. But if I had the patience and time to dedicate to this constant race to be ahead of trends and keeping track of what is acceptable I would be a hipster. Hipsters get to fuck EVERY ONE. All chicks fuck hipsters. Preppy girls who think they’re being rebellious, nerdy chicks who think they’re stepping up, bimbos who want to piss off their macho ex, and other hipster chicks who are usually fucking sexy as hell. So as much as they get trashed hipsters rule, they own it.

I have found my group and it is a small one. I’m going with homeless fat guy. I was looking in the mirror this morning and my hair and beard are already long so I might as well just let them grow out. My wardrobe sucks so that makes me look homeless. I also hate the gym and love drinking, so getting fat is easy. I’m just going to let myself go and walk around until I find a chick who loves dating guys her friends tell her are bums. “He’s a bum free loader. He doesn’t have a job, he doesn’t do shit around the house,” they’ll say and she’ll respond with, “yeah but I think I can fix him.” I can ride that lazy train for at least a year before I get kicked out and have to look for a job until the next heroine comes along. It will be great. Let me be your piece of shit ladies. I’ll never clean, I’ll never cook, I will always cum way before you ever even come close, and you’ll get to walk around getting that sympathy from your friends and co-workers that you love so much. We’ll be a match made in the dumpster, the dumpster of love.

It sucks needing a gimmick but these are the cards I have been dealt. You know who doesn’t need a gimmick? Guys with big dicks. I do not have a big dick reputation. Never in my entire life has the rumor of a big dick been spread about me. Fuck rumors, I have never even heard it personally. I always get, “it’s the perfect size for me.” Cut it with that shit ladies. What does that even mean? “It’s the perfect size for me,” do you have a smaller vagina than every other woman on the planet and my mediocre wiener just fits right into place? Just be honest, say it is what it is and you’re just banging me for a few months until something better comes along. I’m okay with that, I don’t mind being used. Just don’t try to boost my ego and try to make me think my dick is acceptable in this day and age.

That’s it ladies, let me be your piece of shit. I am very good at it.

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