Birthday Resolutions

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Today’s my birthday!

Well, only if you’re reading this article today. If you’re reading it tomorrow or the day after, then it’s my belated birthday. Either way, the occurrence of my birthday means a few things:

#1. 24 years, 9 months, and 5 days ago, my dad was using this line: “You know what they say about men with big hands and big feet? Big shoes, big gloves!” And my mom found that so charming that I guess it was worth getting pregnant for. I guess that explains why I’d rather bang Louis CK than…anyone else in the world.

#2. I’m in my mid-twenties. 24 has been a big deal for many of my friends who’ve hit the marker so many months before me. It’s upsetting to them to say “mid-twenties,” but I’m already aware of the fact that it’s awesome. Mid-twenties is the least annoying twenties age. You are fully rooted in your twenty-somethingness, too wise to be early-twenties and too free to be late-twenties. This fact leads me to #3.

#3. I don’t believe in New Years Resolutions. I do believe in birthday resolutions because they mark something specific for me. Last year I began a birthday resolution that was very simple:

Be as 23 as possible until I turn 24.

That resolution got me a great job, a few interesting nights, and most importantly, got me into comedy. I started stand up this year, pursued sketch by taking classes I didn’t think I was ready for, and started a sketch team I didn’t think I knew how to start.
The idea behind this resolution was simply to live as much as I could this year before I had to live next year. It informed every decision I made this year, and my life went from miserable to unbelievable in just a few months.

At some point, this article stopped being funny. Damn.

This year, I’ll be as 24 as I can, as mid-twenties as I can, and as driven as I can…until I turn 25. Oh shit. 25.

I recommend that you all get a birthday resolution. Mine made two of my dreams come true:

I performed at Carolines

and

I finally grew into my nose.

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