I, like everyone have heard the old cliché of “the one that got away.” I also always thought that it was bullshit. The concept of love itself seemed to be flawed to me. I never had experienced it outside of the context of family, which let’s face it is more of an obligation rather than love. It’s crazy how in life an opinion held so true to yourself can change in an instant leaving you feeling like an utter fool for ever holding said opinion. It is shocking how a life long belief can change in an instant.
That’s it…an instant, a “hello” or chance meeting of eyes. A glance can change your life forever. More often than not though, as in my case it may be too late by the time you realize your life changed to embrace it and enjoy it and accept this chance at happiness that is being thrown your way.
This is a tale of what happens when you realize too late and want nothing more than to go back in time, before you were living in the shadow of regret.
She’s finally here. I haven’t seen her in a while. Fuck she looks just as beautiful as ever. We talk, we drink, everyone at this party is having a good time but I’m only interested in her. The night progresses through alcohol and good music and I’m talking with her just like nothing ever happened. We’re talking like I never broke her heart. Old arguments we used to have about music are had again and we’re laughing just as much as we used to.
She hasn’t left my side all night and starts joining me outside for cigarettes. Drink after drink pours into our emotions. We’re flirty, we’re touching, she has her head on my shoulder as we sit on the couch. I feel butterflies, fuck I don’t remember the last time I’ve had butterflies. I’ve wanted this feeling forever about anything, she’s the only one who can give it to me.
One by one people start leaving or heading to bed and the party is dying down. She walks into a bedroom leaving me on the couch. Just let her go, don’t go after her you asshole, you know how this ends. But like every other time I follow her and get in bed with her. There is nothing sexual about it nor do I want it to be. Just holding her is enough, just getting to kiss her cheek and feeling her arms around me is all I need in the world. Work, money, family, friends, everything is meaningless in this moment. I feel happy again. Fuck I haven’t felt happy in years.
“You ruined me,” she says through a cracking voice as she holds back tears. “What did she have that I didn’t?” … “Nothing,” I say back, “I was a young dumb cunt.” Cliche movie lines are what we became, how sad.
She’s crying now and I taste her tears on her cheek and it makes me cry. It hurts so bad seeing how much I hurt her. The only girl I ever loved, why didn’t I realize it when I had it?
“I loved you,” she said.
Deep down I know she still does, otherwise we wouldn’t do this shit the one time a year we see each other. The tears, the kisses, the why did you do that to me conversation. I haven’t had a real relationship since her, I just keep comparing every girl to her and none of them match up. She was my chance at happiness and I ruined it like so many dumb boys do.
We sleep holding each other through the night. I wake up early. I kiss her forehead and leave before anyone wakes up. Outside I light a cigarette and begin to walk home. I did it again, opened old wounds, my heart bleeding. Each time it takes longer and more drinks to get over it. But what do I expect? I would follow her anywhere if I just had one more chance. I made her cry too many times. I made her cry too many times and you can’t come back from that.