I Can’t Be A Good Friend When It’s Cold

I’d like to take this moment to formally apologize to anyone who was my friend before winter fell. Maybe I have that SAD problem, maybe I need a special lamp or some more Vitamin D, but I think of it more as  I Don’t Like Being Cold Syndrome.

Elsa should not have let it go. The cold NEVER bothered you? This bitch is ruining my life.

Ask anyone that knows me. I could get cold-shivers inside the sun. My ex-boyfriend used to keep the fan blasting on us while we slept. He’s my ex-boyfriend for a reason. He’s dating someone else now, and I’m glad he is because I’m not going outside for no man (or free meal, or roses, or hand-holding, or bickering, or awkward moments when you decide who’s paying).

I can’t do it. No amount of socializing can get me off my couch and away from my warm, toasty DVR. You’ll all still be there when winter breaks and the seven years of summer begin, right? Oh, that’s Game of Thrones? Oops, I haven’t stopped watching TV in a month, so I barely know reality from fantasy anymore.

There’s one exception to my philosophy. If anyone can answer the following questions well and succinctly, I will go outside with them:

1. Why did we bother inventing heated blankets if no one wants to use them?
2. Do you realize Seamless is a thing?
3. Do you have a car with functional heat?
4. Do you know how many hot guys there are on the internet?
5. Follow up, why would I go outside if there are no exposed boy legs?
6. Seriously, why?
7. How expensive is it to move to L.A. immediately?
8. Will you give me that amount of money?
9. Do you remember what the cold did to Jack and Rose? jack and rose

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